I was going through old journals yesterday and found this entry from June 20th, 2007, which was at The Start Of It All. It's good to look back and see out of what depths God has brought me. (Psalm 30)
(Begin: journal entry.)
I can't sleep. Things are weighing down on me. I never consider suicide, but I always want relief. I am ever in search of it, some way to kill the pain.
I can't hold a job. I don't want to work but I also don't want to sit around.
I feel most of the time like no one wants to be around me. This is a dark time, and the light at the end of the tunnel winked out. Where is hope? I hope in everlasting life and I know I have it now, but the time from now until I am perfected is too much to bear.
I don't really mean that because I've made it this far. I just want to be okay. I just want to feel good about my life.
There are ways to accomplish this - exercise and eat right, read the Bible - but every time I consider these, I think it's no use starting because I never follow through.
And I'd love to believe that if I just found the right woman, things would shape up, but I'd love to believe a lot of things.
I'd love to believe life gets easier, for instance, that this is simply a depressed slump that has an end.
But it's times like these that I can't remember beautiful things and everything seems worthless and irrelevant.
What can drive me out of this place? People drive me, but most people don't like me. Music can drive me but I don't have the discipline. God can and does drive me, but I feel so sinful so much of the time that it's hard to approach him. This isn't a crisis of belief. I believe God exists, I just can't see him. I feel him pursuing me - the Hound of Heaven - and I'd give up my life except that it's hard to see, in times like these, that the life he offers is actually better. I know it somewhere in my soul, but it's hard to see.
I want to taste the Divine Nature so I can more easily turn my back on sin and folly (O, taste and see that the Lord is good!), but I don't believe I'll get it because he's already given me more than enough reason to believe he is good and wants the best for me.
When does it end? He is the only one who can pull me out.
Oh God! Where are you now?
(End: journal entry.)
Now this.
If you're feeling any of that, there is a Light. I still feel some of these things sometimes, but mostly I'm healthy - mentally, spiritually, emotionally.
One thing I know: I was blind, but now I see.
3 comments:
I bet all these feelings you wrote about in your journal aren't completely gone. Cause I am not an addict and I struggle with some of what you were struggling with in your addiction. Feeling life with no artificial bandaids makes these feelings easier to deal with, being in the presents of God, and not hiding from him. I like this journal, I believe alot of people in their addiction and some not even in addiction feel what you wrote about in this journal. I believe your thoughts and feelings are more normal then you believe they are. If people are as open and honest with the way they feel, (like you were in this journal entry)people wouldn't feel so alone in this thing called life. You are doing your part responsablity, doing what God asks us to do in this life.. and thats about all he asks and about all you can do. I am proud of you, I am positive you are in a much better place today then when this was written, and thats the beauty of journaling.... Come visit us !!
Thank you so much for sharing this... I feel it reflects much of what I experience most of the time, particularly the feelings of futility and hopelessness. In those moments, all I can identify with in Scripture is the book of Ecclesiastes... but then again, that's something. Thanks for sharing and letting others know they're not alone and they're not condemned.
[jnnnnnnn8ybjjjom,klyo mhu, mnmmmmgvgyvmn
(wise words from yeshua)
Post a Comment