I don't have a lot to write about, but I'm in a funk, and usually doing this helps. It's a weird exercise because I never know what's going to come out and it feels a bit like floating in the middle of a lot of water, unable to see land.
I've had quite a few exhausting conversations recently. Do you ever feel that way? I don't mean exhausting in the way that they are hard conversations. I mean you're in the middle of a conversation and all of the sudden you feel like you're bleeding out, and as you continue, each word ruptures another artery and something inside you grows weaker and weaker, or the bottom drops out. Like, why am I talking to [person] about [whatever it is] right now? What am I accomplishing here?
You'll know this has happened to me when we're talking if I hestitate in the middle of saying something passionate, look around like I don't know what's going on, and speed to the end of our conversation in a near monotone, passion gone.
Maybe that's why I'm feeling the way I am. I have these things to talk about, but I can't talk to all of you about everything. I talk to some of you about some things, and others of you about other things, and I'm just starting to become comfortable with this. I used to think that, in order to be authentic - a word that leaves a bad taste in my mouth nowadays - I had to be an open book to everyone. It was really tiring and really unhealthy.
What is the impulse? What motive births it? The desire to be known, probably. I want so badly to be known. And to know. I love getting to know people. But there have to be boundaries, right? I'm bad at boundaries.
No comments:
Post a Comment