one.five years

I've been clean for a year and a half today. That's 547 days without using. 548 days ago, I didn't think I'd be able to go for 1, but 545 days ago, I checked into Teen Challenge Chicago anyway. After 56 days at Teen Challenge (and 2 days of hanging out with Caroline and Alex and Paul), I spent 165 days in the Master's Touch program at Wayside. I stayed there for another 99 days before I moved out and became house manager at Wayside's transitional house in Batavia, where I've been for 223 days.

Those big numbers make it seem like a long time, but sometimes when I look at my veins, my heart starts beating and it could've been yesterday. It's close and far away at the same time, which I don't quite understand. I go weeks without even thinking about it, but when I do, I start feeling crazy again.

I'm not trying to make anyone worry. What I want to say is this: there, but for the grace of God, go I. I need Jesus very much. Actually, I suspect sometimes that my past is a grace given to me because it enables me to see my neediness so clearly.

I was relating my story to some friends yesterday and was reminded of the day and time that God just picked my addiction up out of me. For 56 days at Teen Challenge, I wanted to get high. In fact, a couple hours before I left on the 56th day, I was scheming with another guy in the program about how to get some dope. Then I heard about Wayside and I left TC and I spent the night of the 56th day in a homeless shelter. When I got up on the 57th day, I walked past a group of guys who were selling pain pills with money in my pockets. I was blocks away before I realized what had happened.

Day 56 - Trying to get high.
Day 57 - Money in my pockets, walking past an opportunity without a second thought.

Now tell me I had anything to do with that.