tension

I've been thinking a lot about tension, about allowing it to exist and being ok with it. As I've been thinking, I've started to see tension applying to a lot of categories in my life. In fact, it seems to exist in every category.

For instance (briefly), politics: my upbringing plus my understanding of history plus my beliefs concerning people's inherent fallenness make me lean conservative, but my bleeding heart (which I don't consider naïve) makes me lean big government/lots of programs; psychology: how much must I "believe in myself" creatively, etc. in order to come into my own, so to speak, and how much has pop psychology bullshit seeped into and twisted what should be the praise and love of God, familiarity with my position in his family, and total trust in his sovereignty as the ultimate answer to mental health, specifically but not limited to depression and anxiety, which together are the bane of my creativity; music, généralement: tension is the reason I am still more moved by "classical" music, the composers of which were more acquainted and comfortable with tension than most modern artists (other than Radiohead), their music still speaking what words can't about this life of tension.

I could go on and on.

I see tension everywhere - which I only just realized thanks to a conversation with a dear brother - so that I'm rarely capable of getting across what's going on in my head because I run back and forth from this side of the argument to that, never completely spelling out either because, as my mind runs ahead of my mouth, I'm thinking of an apology against the capitulation I'm speaking.

Questions questions questions, which I'm starting to see as tension tension tension, which I'm finally starting to be ok with, because really, back to the psychology bit, this whole train of thought serves to make me even more aware just how utterly necessary it is to be leaning on and trusting in God - how could I not go insane otherwise? - these mysteries being his, for which I'm so thankful, because I need mystery.

You're tired of being in your head? You want to see something new? Following Christ - really trusting and loving him and losing my life to gain it - is proving to be a more exciting life than I imagined existed. Please, I beg you, consider him. Leave for a moment your problems with christendom and consider him. O, the man acquainted with sorrows knows your pain! He knows about the big insatiably thirsty hole in your being and he stands up and cries, "If anyone thirsts, let him come to me and drink!"

Go to him. Drink.