MAN this hurts

Does anyone else feel drawn to wallowing in despair?
I do.
In fact, it's more difficult for me to choose happiness a lot of times, which is ridiculous when I look at it on paper. I would rather sit in the muck, and I don't know why. I mean, let's be logical for a little bit: I prefer the feeling of being happy/content so I should do things that make me happy/content. And I mean really, deeply happy, not temporal fixes like drugs, alcohol abuse, et cetera. So why don't I do those things that contribute to lasting joy? Why does it sometimes feel like I'm drawn to pain in the same way I was drawn to heroin - with what seems to be no choice in the matter?
Sometimes I just want to be done, to go home. I look at kids and I understand what all the adults used to say to me when I was a kid - You're gonna miss it! Enjoy your youth now! - because I don't want responsibility most of the time.
But now is where it really matters. Now the rubber meets the road, so to speak. Three jobs, a leadership position at my church, rent, a cell phone bill I'm paying myself for the first time (man I'm a spoiled brat), saving money for a car. And on top of that weight, there were certain things I thought I'd have or get back at this point that I don't have and haven't gotten back.
Welcome to life, huh?
I'm getting there.
Here's what I think is going on: When I was first getting sober, everything hurt. I couldn't cope with anything, because my coping mechanism was drugs. Period. But things gradually got more bearable, felt less like my whole being was an open and bleeding wound. And just so - slowly but surely and by God's grace alone - I made it through the program at Wayside. Now, I have a new set of issues - that list from before about rent, etc. - and if I'm smart, I'll look back on how I got through eight weeks at Teen Challenge Chicago and then six months at Wayside, and I'll trust my Jesus whose strength is made perfect in my weakness, and I'll keep limping after him.
It's just that the first few weeks getting into the swing of things is so hard. That's always been my problem. Take school for instance: Before the semester started, I'd be all pumped, and then a few weeks later, reality would set in, and I'd freeze up and fail all my classes.
I'm at that freezing point right now, and, knowing me, it'll last for the next few weeks at least. Then, the wounds will begin to heal and the lies I kinda believe right now about how I can't really do this will no longer have ground to stand on, and, always looking to Christ, I'll start to feel okay about life.