pain

I was rereading Rehab Sucks just now, making grammatical corrections, and I realized I didn't nail what I wanted to nail with the second point. I said I know what it's like to want the pain. I suppose that's true to some extent. But, more accurately, I know what it's like to not know what the pain is or where it's coming from, to become frustrated with this and euphorically recall what it was like to be numb. It takes a lot of uncomfortable digging - a lot - to find the source of the pain. And once it is found, amidst overwhelming feelings to continue avoiding it, it must be felt. I have to sit down, bow my head and close my eyes, quiet myself - all the voices screaming at me Please! Not this! - and Go There. I'm not very good at it.
While I'm sitting there, in the middle of it, I try to remember to ask God about it. This is not easy. The temptation to just sit there and enjoy the sickness of it - I am fallen - is strong, because it provides a weird sort of rush, of the same sort I get when I do something I know is wrong. This is what I meant by wanting the pain. It's macabre. I know.
But if I ask God about it, I can start hacking through the undergrowth because I can see now which is the direction of the light. This is tiring, but it is good.

Also, I figured out something about The Tape. (The Tape is what plays in an addict's head over and over again, scenes from using that do not include the horrible results of using. It can include the excitement of going to get the drug, the friends one was with and the camaraderie felt there, the moments right before using the drug, the effects, and much more. But never does it include the almost-immediate remorse, or the looks on the faces of one's family.) I figured out it's no good to play the actual using part. Makes things worse. So, I apply Scripture - sharper, I tell you, than any two-edged sword - and I take this thought captive. I blink, mentally, and avert my gaze, ideally to things like what I referenced in Father of lights.

Well would you look at that. That's starting to sound sane.