the pursuit of happyness: or, why I've been getting it all wrong (and you probably have, too)

Intended Audience: people looking for fulfilment in their lives

I have been in a season of making Decisions, and today, I realized I've been doing it all wrong. The example I'm about to give may not resonate with you - you could be in a totally different phase of life - but in terms of the search for fulfilment it's the most pertinent in mine own, so stay with me.

The Case In Point

I've been thinking for some time now - about fifteen years, maybe longer - about What To Do With My Life. Here is a partial list of the ideas I've entertained and actually spent some time pursuing: concert pianist, novelist, doctor ('cause my dad is my hero), lawyer, truck driver, sailor/captain of a sailboat (Bring Me That Horizon!), rock and roller, preacher, missionary (check), President of the United States (when I'm feeling down, I settle for foreign diplomat), Hollywood actor, Navy SEAL, English teacher, professional triathlete.

Now, I am convinced I could do any of the above to the glory of God and know people in almost each of these professions who does or has done so. The problem isn't, therefore, that any one of these professions is holier than another. But this doesn't help me toward making my decision.

I'm also convinced that God has a plan for my life. One of the things I do in trying to make this decision, then, is look back over my story - the story he's been telling to me and through me - and try and look for clues as to what he's doing. This kinda helps me to narrow down the list and kinda doesn't. I'm just interested in too many things.

Well so in response to all this, I've done two things: 1) read, and 2) bore anyone who will listen (mostly my poor parents) for hours on end and then ask them for their advice. The books and articles all say something along these lines: 1) figure out what you wanna do and do it, 2) poor us (my generation talking to my generation), we have too many options, and 3) poor us (my generation again), we were told all our lives that we were special and unique flowers, that the sky was the limit, and we found out that's not true, boohoo, etc.

Number one is great advice, and that's what I try to do. (Numbers two and three are just complaints.) But there's still something bugging me, and so we finally get to it:

I've been doing it all wrong.

The issue here isn't the making of the decision. The issue is why I can't. (Or more accurately, haven't been able to.)

Why I Haven't Been Able To Make The Decision

This is frustrating, because I've known this answer for ages - God has shown this answer to me in the Bible more than a few times - but I keep forgetting. Today, he reminded me again, and today, in an effort not to be like the man who looks at himself in the mirror and then goes away and forgets what he looks like, I'm writing it down.

"Delight yourself in the Lord,
    and he will give you the desires of your heart."
Psalm 37:4

Translation: I haven't been able to make the decision because I've been hoping to be satisfied by whatever I end up doing with my life instead of being satisfied in Jesus. And I will never be satisfied by ANYTHING I'm doing if I am not first satisfied in Jesus. Because he's the only one who can satisfy. He's got the Good Stuff. And if I will be delighted in the Lord, if I can get my soul to really want him above everything else, all the rest falls into place.

[Post Text: Still doesn't answer the question about What To Do With My Life, but the answering of it becomes a whole lot more fun without all that needless weight.]

for friends of Bill W

I'll remember for the rest of my life the first time I said it. I wonder sometimes about starting my testimony that way, but I choose not to because I'm distrustful of the sensational (mostly because I want it so badly). I have quietly observed as people who have never attended an Alcoholics Anonymous meeting laughingly role-play introducing themselves like they see in the movies.

It was a really powerful moment for me. I'd arrived at Hazelden's outpatient clinic in Minneapolis and walked into the room I was supposed to be in and sat down in one of a large circle of chairs, glancing quickly around the room to see if my suspicions were correct - they'd all be people off the streets, surely, because that's what drug addicts are and I'm still not sure I am one - and seeing C and A and J and M, nervously looking down at the ground again.

The facilitator - I don't remember her name now, but she was kind of a harsh older lady - the facilitator had us all introduce ourselves. I don't remember who started, but they were using that same structure - inserting their names and addictions where necessary - and as each one of them spoke it out, a kind of warm, golden energy mounted up inside the words, barreling into the next person to speak, setting each of them free as they spoke truthfully about who they were in their innermost beings, and suddenly it was upon me and I said, "Hi. My name's Ian, and I'm a heroin addict..."

And I stopped.

I think we were supposed to say something else about who we were but I forgot in this moment, and said instead-

"...and that's the first time I've ever said that."

And then I said something like, "And I'm really surprised to see that you are all normal people, nay, lawyers, doctors, college dropouts like me, because I thought you'd all be homeless and I would continue to feel totally alone because I'm not homeless, never have been, and yet I have this thing eating me up inside..."

I don't really remember what I said. That probably all happened in my head. It was a volatile time.

And that's what was - is - so powerful about Alcoholics Anonymous meetings. Suddenly, you're a part of a community. In fact, you're a part of a community of people who know they're broken, which is way more powerful because we all know we're broken but most of us don't know how to admit it. Or don't want to. But then you get into this community of people who knows, they really know, they're messed up - nobody's putting on airs, nobody's self-righteous - and it's powerful.

I remember the first time I heard the phrase "terminally unique" and how it just opened me right up. That's what I thought about myself. It seems insane now (and I was, at the time), but I really thought I was living something that no one else had ever lived - I mean, let's be honest: heroin's no laughing matter - but those two words summed up that whole feeling and suddenly I realized no one could have verbalized them without understanding the feeling behind it which means... I'm not alone. That's it. I'm not alone.

I heard a story once - I think it came from the Big Book - about an alcoholic in an airport. She was in recovery, traveling alone, walked past a bar, and started having that craving. Somehow, she got a person on the intercom to ask for "friends of Bill W" (one of AA's founders) to meet in such-and-such room, and a whole bunch of her fellow alcoholics and addicts showed up and they had themselves a meeting. That's community. That's what I live for. That kind of I'm-gonna-be-there-for-you-no-matter-what brotherhood.

I thank God for C and A and J and M and D and S and B and all the rest who were in that room the first time and then took me to my first meeting afterwards. I miss you guys.

How To Survive

Get up in the morning. For you, that means 7:30 or before. No matter how late you've gone to bed. If you need to, you can catch up on sleep by retiring earlier tonight.

Eat good food.

Remember that you are being affected by your actions. ACTIONS. (Did you hear me?) Actions: The actual things you do. If your actions are in line with what it is you know to be True, you will feel good. If your actions are not in line with what you know to be True, you will feel bad. (It is possible, therefore, that when you feel bad, it's because you've either done something out of line or left undone something in line. This won't always be the case - that would be simplistic - but it's a good starting point.)

Don't give up a single moment as lost. As soon as you realize you have failed to live in harmony with Truth, realign yourself with it.

Talk to people. Be as honest as possible, but be careful about appropriateness. If, for example, you plumb the depths of your being with the person you just met five minutes ago, you will end up with a feeling of emptiness or spread-too-thinness.

Be humble enough to ask for help when you need it. If you feel inadequate to every task put before you, it's okay. You are in a phase of learning. Others have had to learn before you, and, when you come out on the other side, you will be able to help others after you.

As soon as you think of a healthy or good thing to do, do it. Having good thoughts is not the same as doing good things.

Be thankful for what you have. It's ok to pursue better things, but the pursuit will be made happier and healthier by the recognition of the abundance in which you already live. The pursuit will become a joy unto itself rather than a vainglorious burden.

Work hard. Even and especially when the outcome of the work doesn't directly benefit you. It has become abundantly clear by your life experience that working for the benefit of others is itself a benefit to you. If the parameters of the work aren't clear, clarify them, but then work.

Appreciate beauty. For you, this means a live classical music event should always be in your near future. Also, stop in that spot of sun long enough to really feel it.

Make time for people in need. You were made for others, and you will find the fulfillment you so ardently seek in being for them.

Meditate about how all of this has gone today. If you have failed in any way, meditate also on the challenges you will face in succeeding tomorrow. Then, resolve to do so.

[A note to the reader: I'm a Christian. I've left out mention of God in part because this was originally a letter to myself and therefore God is presumed, but also in order to demonstrate that what he requires of his followers - granted, the above is not a complete list - all happens to be directly in line with human flourishing (a beautiful two-word phrase I've stolen from Tim Keller). The greater purpose is not our flourishing but his glory, but he made it so that our flourishing would be to his glory (which is an derivation of John Piper's thought that "God is most glorified in us when we are most satisfied in him"). He's a good God. Again, this was all running through my head as I wrote and is, if you think about it, the only way doing any of the above makes any sense at all.]

Crooked Deep Down

Ok, Bonsai.

I'm a really big sinner. And I forget. Especially being in full-time ministry (whatever that means). But the reality is, I am really, radically, awfully sinful.

Let me define terms real quick: to sin is to miss the mark. To aim for something and to miss it. In my case, if the target were the broadside of a barn, to (accidentally) shoot the cow.

How do I miss the mark, you ask? Yes, I know you: you want the juicy details.

Well for starters, even my honesty is crooked. I share all this in hopes that in the sharing I'll be forgiven my shortcomings.

But what led me to write this at this moment is that I decided to do a fast yesterday. I decided I was fed up with my inability to make decisions. (The problem, you see, is that it's never just about the decision itself, nor even about honoring God. It's about money. It's about finding a wife. It's about nice clothes and leather shoes. What in the world am I doing in ministry!) So I decided that I wanted to hear from God about these things I'm facing, and the way in which I was going to hear from him was in fasting and in prayer. So off I went.

But I messed up. I don't demand things of God, and I don't, by my right actions, cause him to act. But it was with that attitude that I started a week-long fast, and with that attitude that I made it about 24 hours and fell flat on my face and ate some peanut-butter toast.

Yes, yes, yes. You laugh. I did, too, to be honest. But that assessment - that I messed up - doesn't address the real issue. I didn't just mess up. I messed up because I AM messed up. Even in fasting, my motivations were (are) all wrong.

No, no, no, you say. You're too down on yourself! Self-esteem is the answer!

Well, it hasn't worked for me. In fact, self-esteem has been perhaps the most dangerous path of all. Why? Because God has given me so much. I have much to self-esteem about. I'm a decent musician, a decent writer, I'm emotionally intelligent (when I manage to get outside myself), I know a good amount about the Bible, I can think deeply about things and grasp complicated concepts with relative ease. For what? How does any of this help me? I'll tell you what self-esteeming about all that does: it destroys me when I encounter musicians who are better than I am. It destroys me when I think about how I'm only decent, how much better I could have been by now with a little discipline, which I can never seem to muster.

Ever waiting for the moment when there won't be that inner sense of dread about being found out. When I'll finally reach that next level of holiness in which I might actually feel capable of helping someone toward freedom.

No. Self-esteem and all the motives for which I could have it is just a heaping pile of poop. The only freedom I know doesn't come from what I'm able to do nor what I've been able to accomplish. It comes from recognizing my devastating insufficiency and saying to God that HE is my sufficiency. For real. And this act, this turning over of my insufficient sufficiency, is made possible only by the recognition and acceptance of my faults. (So many good words for failure.)

That's why self-esteem doesn't work. Because of reality. You know it and I know it. Something's not right, and it doesn't become right because we tell ourselves it actually is right.

And it doesn't end at self-acceptance, either. (Thank God. That would be depressing.) It ends with GOD making it right. Oh, how he loves to restore the broken-hearted! And then he changes our desires so that we want good things! Honestly, if I back up for a second, I am, in fact, far more disciplined than I was a few years ago, and that hasn't come from me. How could it have, if my own efforts continue to fall flat on their faces at every turn and bump (or hunger pang).

Bad behavior is a symptom and correcting it is a bandaid without disinfectant. The real issue is that we are all crooked, deep down, and unimaginably needy.

(This will preclude judgment, by the way.)

"This is a song about me and you and Billy Graham and Mother Theresa and Charles Manson and everybody. Everybody." -Derek Webb

(The end of the story about fasting, for those who want to know, is that I'm gonna go ahead and keep trying, because I'm still tired of not being able to make decisions/see clearly/whateveritis, and I think God sees and appreciates my heart.)